CHOGM!

CHO! – GUM!

CHO! – GUM!

CHO! – GUM!

"Why is there a wrinkly white broad in trite head wear sitting over there? Oh yeah, it's time for CHOGM."

The monster has finally arrived. It has been the topic of conversation for months, the explanation for all construction, renovation and remodeling as well as for the many shortfalls in government services. Rumors have swirled around the questions of whether or not roads will be closed and vacation days granted. Even when people aren't talking about CHOGM directly, it inevitably surfaces in descriptions of grandioseness. “I’m sleepy. I ate a CHOGM-sized lunch.”

What does CHOGM actually mean? To most people it means that Her Royal Highness Elizabeth II is coming. "We have to fix the roads for the Queen." "Security needs to be increased for the Queen." "We need to paint those empty buildings so the Queen thinks they are being used."

If he can turn a can of soup into art, maybe the Queen has a chance.

The Queen, of course, is nothing more than the most expensive table furnishing on the planet. The Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) brings 5,000 delegates from 53 nations (representing 2 billion individuals) to meet in Kampala for a week. The U.S.A. may be the only former British colony not in attendance.

The most urgent topic of discussion seems to be what in the hell to do about Pakistan, followed by what the hell to do about Zimbabwe. Mugabe was not invited, but reps of the opposition party were. That led the Daily Monitor (Kampala) to point out that Uganda's own opposition parties are notoriously absent from most conference proceedings.

[update: 400 Zimbabwean soldiers and officers were detained when an apparent military coup attempt was discovered. Supposedly the plan was to bomb Mugabe's residence.]

The scandalously unjust system of global trade agreements will also be negotiated, with the developing countries trying once again to join together long and strong enough to push back the U.K. and the other paleo- and neo-colonial fat cats.

The CHOGM Badass Award goes to Solomon Iguru, the Omukama (honkified = king) of Bunyoro, who turned down his invitation to the banquet honoring Queen Liz. His Prime Minister explains: "Eating, drinking and shaking hands do not develop Bunyoro Kitara Kingdom. He will not attend the event." Iguru instead requested (and was subsequently denied) a private audience with Liz and Gordon Brown in order to address grievances relating to the British occupation of Uganda, most notably the transfer of two Bunyoro counties to Buganda, a neighboring kingdom, as punishment for a Bunyoro uprising. Both the Bunyoro and Buganda, along with several other Great Lakes kingdoms, can trace their roots back to the Empire of Kitara, which peaked in the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries. If global conquest and submission had been part of Kitara's collective mindset, it might have capitalized on the devastating diseases and ethnic in-fighting that characterized the British Isles at that time...and I'd be typing in Bantu.

Will Uganda benefit from CHOGM? Optimists forecast a boost in Uganda's reputation as a 'civilized nation' (the way Ugandans throw around the words 'civilized' and 'uncivilized' makes me squirm) that will bring increases in investment and tourism. Pessimists (realists?) point out that most of the colossal sums of money spent to prepare for CHOGM have been spent on things that will only change Kampala temporarily, with no assistance whatsoever to the rest of the country. The BBC reports that in the last two financial years the government has spent close to $200 million on CHOGM preparations, including $11,000 for umbrellas, $18,000 for new rubber stamps, and around $200,000 on Blackberrys.

[The median income in Uganda is about $300.]

Government officials aren't the only folks getting ready for the invasion of foreign bureaucrats. The BBC also reports that sex workers have been taking English lessons and have upped their prices for a full night from $60 to $100.

ps. Happy Thanksgiving

Rather than thanking a god, I'd like to express my gratitude to all the people I've encountered who have not tried to kill, maim or harm me in any way.

Finally, big ups to any genes descended from Squanto a.k.a Tisquantum, who escaped slavery and traveled all the way back across the Atlantic only to find that his tribe had been wiped out by an imported illness. For unknown reasons (loneliness? to be a good Christian?) he proceeded to save some Purtians' asses. If those Brits had in turn taught the Patuxet how to use the Empire's legal system to establish property rights, perhaps Native Americans today would not be relegated to the back alleys of the United States.